What the hell is wrong with Japanese people

The Jew lady left one of her books on the kitchen table today with a bird on its cover. "Cool, a book about animals!" I thought to myself. I knew the Jew lady liked buying animals, but I didn't know she liked reading about them. Curious, I convinced Myshkin to start reading to me, since I am illiterate and was in my cage. It soon became clear that the book was not about animals. It was a story called "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle" by a Japanese guy who must be really, really messed up in the head. But Myshkin read me the whole thing, and what better use of my doggy blog than to tell you what I think of it? So here's my first doggy book review!

The story is about a guy named Toru. Toru has a wife (Kumiko) who works, an uncle he likes, and a brother-of-wife (Noboru) he hates. He also has a cat, but the cat is gone most of time. This guy Toru is super boring. He sits at home all day, but it's not his job. He used to have a job, but he quit, so he sits at home all day with no job. If I had to sit here all day without my employment, and without Wolfman and Jew lady, I would be so bored. But Toru gets to poop in the house and doesn't have to stay in his cage, so it's easier for him than finding new employment.

Even though Toru is very boring, weird and interesting stuff happens to him all the time. In the first chapter, a strange woman calls him and tries to have sex with him on the telephone. Toru doesn't want to though. I didn't even know humans can have sex on the phone, but Myshkin says Japanese humans can. Later Toru starts having sex with a prostitute in his dreams, except it's also real. That really confused me, but apparently it also confused Toru. We were both pretty confused for most of the book. Toru also has a problem where he sometimes has sex with his pants by accident. Those parts made me glad I don't have to wear pants.

Despite the weird stuff, things start out pretty normal for Toru, except that a girl licks his arm one time. Then his wife Kumiko doesn't come home one day, or the next. She's gone without a trace! Things get weird much faster after that. Toru still doesn't do much. He doesn't even vomit on the floor like I would. Instead of going out and looking for Kumiko, he does the opposite: he finds a big hole in the ground and sits at the bottom of it. At first it seems dumb, but later you realize he's looking for Kumiko while he's down in that hole. Instead of getting close to her in the real world, he gets close to her in his mind world, where things happen apart from the real world but still affect it. The Kumiko in the mind world is different, she says different things and has a different voice. But at the same time, it's as if she's part of the real Kumiko, the one Toru is trying to find, and by finding the other Kumiko, he can find Kumiko in the real world.

Toru does do a few things later in the book. He gets a new toy by beating up a guy. That wasn't very nice, but the guy who got beat up was laughing so maybe it was fun for him. Toru also stares at people on the street for a while. Then he meets a woman who gives him a job so he can stay in that hole. He lets women lick his face, and they pay him because it makes him feel better. That happens to me too when I lick Wolfman and Jew lady in their faces, but I don't have to pay, it's a perk of my employment!

Toru also hears some pretty gross stories. In one, a guy is skinned alive, and the storyteller gets thrown naked into a hole (not Toru's hole, a different one in Mongolia) but gets rescued later. Another story is about the girl who has dream sex with him, Creta. But the scariest story is about some Japanese soldiers killing zoo animals. The animals were in cages like me, and they couldn't run or fight back when the soldiers came to shoot them. This was the scariest part of the whole book, even though the Wolfman and Jew lady would never let anyone shoot me.

In some ways, I could really relate to the people in the story. Getting licked all the time, for example. I also like the other-world idea. Sometimes I wonder if Myshkin is from a different world than I am. Maybe that's why he can't talk. Or maybe he just doesn't feel like talking to me. I think he was traumatized by this book, so reading it to me probably didn't help our relationship. But we agreed it was a good story. We're also really glad we're animals in the U.S., not in Japan. Too much weird stuff happens there.

This book was so exciting, I peed all over the floor. Also, everyone dies at the end...

... JUST KIDDING!!! ;-)

- Blog Gately

Unhappy Movie

UnHappy Movie

I'm really a happy dog.  Sometimes I can be a sad dog, because I'm sad when the Jewish lady and the wolfman are sad, but especially the Jewish lady.  The Jewish lady and the wolfman like to read a lot of books!  I try to read their books, but their books are hard.  Sometimes they watch movies though, and then I can understand, except sometimes I still don't.

Usually, when the movie begins, they're smiling and happy.  The wolfman explains why it's a good idea for them to watch the movie.  But then, sometimes, they watch the movie, and are sad.  Sometimes I don't understand these movies, because I can't read fast enough.  I don't like when their movies are like books.

One movie was not like a book...and it had animals!  The stars were animals, but it made the wolfman very angry.  This movie was called "The Life of Pi."  The wolfman got really angry.  He didn't understand why people who have ham-colored skin like to pretend they're people with chocolate-colored skin.  He said something about cheap orientalism, and pointlessly non-linear narrative elements.  I didn't understand this and it reminded me of words in the wolfman's books.

The wolfman then said some bad words about the Quebecois man who wrote the movie, and vowed never to travel to France.  Does that mean Quebec is a place in France?  I don't know.  The Jewish lady didn't like the movie either, but she didn't seem mad.  She was more sad for the wolfman.

I didn't like the movie because the lion was a computer.  They should have used a real lion, some lions need jobs.  If I didn't have a job I'd still be in jail.  But the movie had many shiny colors, and I liked that.  1.5 stars / 5

My Favorite Movie - Not What You Think

In addition to my favorite songs, which I wrote about below, I need to correct the record about my favorite movie. No, it's decidedly not  Air Bud or Marley and Me, and it's not K-9 (clever title, though) or Turner and Hooch. And it's definitely not Lassie or Benji, and absolutely not 101 Dalmatians.

I consider those all to be dog and pony shows. Not true art.

I fancy myself a connoisseur of canine film. Give me dramatic stories, about the characters struggling for life and death, trying to make sense of this doggone world. Or an adventure about someone doggedly pursuing a quest.

So I've been pawing through lots of great movies. I tried a bio-pic of Darwin, because I heard there was a Beagle in it. I've looked at the film Grease, because I was told there was Elvis' Hound-Dog in it (did you know that "Brandeis University professor Stephen J. Whitefield, in his 2001 book, In Search of American Jewish Culture, regards "Hound Dog" as significant, as it 'marked the success of race-mixing in music a year before the desegregation of public schools was mandated' in Brown v. Board of Education." - look it up).

Nope, my favorite movie is this:

(At least I think it is. What does a dog have to do to watch a movie, anyway?)

Unacceptable

TRIGGER WARNING: Post contains dog racism, Gately-baiting, Cat Myshkin, poop addiction

I checked my email the other day and saw that the Cat Myshkin had sent me this offensive, triggering comic:



The Cat Myshkin and his friendcats were passing sending this to each other and then probably sitting on the computer and laughing and napping and then laughing again. I don't want to blame the cats for this because they're not as good as me (what Dad would call "racial inferiors," or maybe "goddamn Mongoloids;" it's hard to tell because he always talks fast and loud about that stuff and I get a little scared), but also because individual catblame masks the structural issues at play.

What are the structural harms of this comic? First, the dog's tongue is sticking out the whole time, suggesting he is stupid and lazy, or that he's just salivating at the thought of rolling in the poop or eating the poop. This is offensive. As delightful as poop is, it doesn't make your tongue hang out, unless it significantly increases the ambient temperature, in which case letting your tongue hang out cools you down, because you lack sweat glands like Mom (Dad sweats through his ponytail, I've tasted it). But that's NOT what's happening here, because that would have to be REALLY HOT POOP to alter the ambient temperature like that.

Second, it trivializes my people's struggles with coprophagia or generalized coprophilia. Yes, some dogs struggle with this, mostly due to policies enacted by Ronald "Horsecock Fucking Shitbeast" (Dad, again) Reagan, but not in the broader historical view. Yes, poop can be enticing and delicious and naughty and forbidden and I love it but NOT ALL DOGS. This is structural dog racism at its worst, all to get a cheap laugh from webcats and the awful people who make and read these comics.

Third, this article is clearly part of the Jew World Domination Conspiracy, as it aims to embarrass and subjugate non-Jewry by using ancient images of YHWH's agents in a ridiculous parody of the struggles of enlightened Christendom under the burdens of their usury. As the Protocols have said, "Babblers, inexhaustible, have turned into oratorical contests the sittings of Parliament and Administrative Boards. Bold journalists and unscrupulous pamphleteers daily fall upon executive officials. Abuses of power will put the final touch in preparing all institutions for their overthrow and everything will fly skyward under the blows of the maddened mob." You might stupidly think this has nothing to do with the work of a small-time webcomic artist, but all entertainment is connected under the Eye of Illumination: just ask your precious Nicholas Cage! Cats, Jews, Hollywood, the Internet, it's all a smoke screen for a horrifying reality that undulates just below the surface of our pathetic false consciousnesses.

Anyway, I'm going to take a nap and probably startle myself into waking up when I fart. Good night for now, sheeple.

My Favorite Songs about Dogs

Some of you readers may be wondering what kind of music I prefer. Mostly I love the sound of other dogs howling at a passing ambulance and the sound of bacon frying in a pan, but I also enjoy music people write about dogs. Here is a special playlist that you can enjoy.

1. "Hound Dog" - Big Mama Thornton
I choose to overlook the fact that she says you are "nothing but" a hound dog, as I am a hound dog and LOVE it. I really like when she pretends to bark and howl.




2. "I Wanna Be Your Dog" - The Stooges
I think it's fun to have humans and be someone's dog, so this song really speaks to me.





3. "Martha" - The Beatles
This song is about a guy named Paul's dog named Martha. It's sweet. I'd like my humans to write a song called "Gately is Awesome."





4. "Gypsy, Joe and Me" - Dolly Parton
One thing I appreciate is songs about other dogs who were found by humans. This one gets a little sad though, so get your tissues.





5. "Walking the Dog" - Rufus Thomas
When it comes hobbies, going on walks is my number one, followed by chewing stuff and looking handsome. Sometimes I can accomplish all three things at the same time! This tune shows you how you too can take part in my number one favorite pastime.





Did I miss your favorite song about dogs? Share it in the comments!

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night: A Review

The other night I watched a movie with Mom and Dad called A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT. The movie was a bit ruff to watch because there were some scary parts and the Cat Myshkin made fun of me for whimpering at the scary parts. Overall I did not like the movie because there were too many cats in it and not enough dogs. When it looked like the Scary Girl and the Nice Boy were going to run away and leave the cat behind, I got very excited and began wagging my tail and panting in anticipation of no more cat in the movie. I tried to look smugly at the Cat Myshkin but I do not know how to look smug. Then when the Nice Boy allows the Scary Girl to take the cat on their road trip (rather than leaving him and adopting a dog on the road as I had hoped), the Cat Myshkin looked very smugly at me. And he knows how to look smug. The end of the movie was terrifying with the Movie Cat looking straight at me for several minutes. I did not like this or the ambiguity of the final moments. I did like the skateboarding scene and I would like a skateboard.
2 stars (out of 5)

What Happens When My People Are Gone

I'm sure readers of this blog are wondering, what do you do Gately when there's no humans in the house?

That is a secret I cannot reveal. But I did find this video that may give you some hints. It's from an internet "friend" (note to self - what does internet friendship mean to a canine, really?). My friend has a Prince, too, so it reminds me a lot of, well, me. Watch here or below, and wait past the one-minute mark to see what happens: